Almost everyone has a cause. "Help Darfur!", "Save my Fetus!", "Live Green!", "Eat Some Fetuses!” etc, etc. It has been statistically determined that for every breath you take in a day, 12 billion internet donation campaigns will be formed to support your continual breathing efforts, while another 13 billion will come out against your furthering of global warming through your constant oral CO2 emissions (you asshole).
Regardless of whatever the particular cause however, the summation of all the slogans and ad campaigns and celebrity guests and viral videos equate to one quick three word plea: "Give me money!” That's all the majority of web is looking for, and I have never been one to disrupt the natural order of things, and as such, gracefully request a miniscule donation of one dollar.
There is one way I will strive to differ from the rest however; with complete transparency and utter frankness. I have no worthy cause to donate to. This is not a grand social experiment examining societal generosity to random pleas. There will be no charts later on, detailing the exponential relationship between total dollars donated and the number of odd digits in a person’s IP address. My entire donation drive endeavor boils down to me trying to live my dream of being a pan-handler, albeit an online version. I would hit the street corners and make my quarter collecting aspirations a reality, but my engineering career and suburban home makes regular pan-handling a bit socially awkward. Also, I don't have same penchant for dirty sweaters and doubling up on sweat pants like those champions of streets do.
With my honesty in mind, I ask for a mere pittance of a dollar, if you have it to spare. You may not be contributing to any sort of global campaign to save Koalas from drowning abortionists in the polar icecaps, but at least that’s one less dollar you’ll have burned away on a Double Cheeseburger at McDonalds (you fatty). Really, I'm looking out for YOU.
If it’s any consolation, I'll try to spend any funds on booze and smokes to get the full pan-handling experience.
But alas, I'm quite positive that I have bored you to the point of nauseum with all these words, so in summary:
